Grief and Struggle

 Journal Entry Oct 12, 2021 #1

My Struggle and Mix-up thoughts. 

I never thought I would meet someone that I will feel at ease with

Someone who understands me…. Who desire me for what I have to offer. I feel this intense connection when I never met him. It scares me but excites me at the same time. Once your heart has been broken you wonder if you are ready to open it again.  Life is hard and it’s hard to open your heart again. It’s the fear of it being broken again. How do you let someone in and let the pain go? 

I have to admit that I’m scared of letting someone into my heart again.

I’m grieving my dad. I was supposed to call him before he died. The fact that I didn’t has me stuck and it making it worse. I love him like he was my dad. He was a good dad that I’m so going to miss. You never miss someone until they are truly gone. I just wish I got the chance to tell him how much I love him and appreciate him for taking on the father role when my dad wasn’t’ there. I remember everything he talks me and how to deal with these men.

I would prophetize that I would find my Boaz. That my heart would finally heal and things are going to start looking up for me.  It is just so much a person can take before they crack. How do you keep moving? I'm just all over the place this morning. 

It makes me want to enjoy life and live it to the fullest. I woke up this morning and pray for my family and friends.  I pray that God would send me my Boaz I’m ready to be happy to travel and have someone to attend church with. I’m ready for my happiness.  I’m scared of being truly homeless with no place to go.  I know that I don’t have much but I do have my love to shower someone with. 

God give me the strength to handle these trials I’m facing it’s so hard that I just want to cry. I know that I can’t ever give up on life I have faith it will not always be awful. My joy is coming and I will have someone who is all mine. 

Life can’t always be this way. There has to be a bright light shining at the end of all this pain. Sometimes you smile to keep from crying. I just want to be happy and love is that too much to ask for.